With Valentine’s Day just behind us, I find myself still thinking about the power and importance of intimacy. I heard a fascinating report on CBC radio about a study in the psychology of falling in love in which strangers were given a list of increasingly intimate questions to ask one another and the  resulting closeness was measured.

Discovering more and more about one another is a key way that we human beings create intimacy. It’s a part of the joy of new relationships, actively getting to know this beautiful human being in front of you and also actively being discovered. What a glorious experience to see and be seen!

What happens when this delightful period of discovery and increasing closeness have to come to an end? What happens as time goes on and we know a lot about our loved ones, partners, friends and family?

One of the ways that we can keep that energy of discovery alive is to share new experiences. As you discover more about the world, whether through trying a new food, learning a new skill or traveling to a new country, you discover more about yourself and one another.

I certainly found this recently when for my birthday Justin and I decided to take ballroom dance classes. As we tentatively tried the tango and learned the rhythms of rumba, we saw new expressions of one another and of ourselves. It’s that latter part that I want to focus on today.

All of these brilliant explorations of intimacy apply not only to our relationships with others but also to our relationship with ourselves.

When we take ourselves for granted, when we stop exploring, when we no longer wonder about our hearts or get curious about our thoughts, when we’ve solidified into a worldview and a “this is the way I am” attitude, we lose intimacy with our selves. We start making choices and doing things based on habit, on a memory of who we were the last time we checked. We lose our connection to the present moment and to the person we are right here today, not to mention the possibility of who we might become.

Today I want to recommend three creative living activities that will enhance your sense of self-intimacy, three activities that will keep you connected to who you are.

1. Journaling

Journaling is like having a conversation with yourself. It allows you to get the thoughts, feelings, words and ideas out of your head and onto the page. Something magical happens in that physical distance. As our words travel outside ourselves, we see them in a brand new way. We start to hear our own voice and recognize what is in our heart.

Here are a couple of tips to get you started. To bypass your busy brain, keep the pen moving. Give yourself a certain amount of pages (e.g. 3) or a certain amount of time (e.g. 10 minutes) and let that pen dance, non-stop, the entire time. Just let the words flow, even if all you can write is, “I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what to write. I’m tired. I don’t know what to write.” It’s like scribbling a pen along the page until the ink flows smoothly.

It’s also great to work with journal questions. In fact, why not answer the questions that were used in the survey to make a start? You can also make up your own journal prompts.  Anything’s fair game. Answer interview questions you see in magazines. Think about what you’d want to know about someone or what you wish someone would ask you. What do you remember about grade 3? Who do you take after in your family? What are you loving right now? What’s annoying you these days? What dream have you never told anyone? How do you imagine yourself in 2020?

When I ask people about their creative practices, journaling tops the list. It’s a powerful tool for self-reflection, self-expression and self-discovery.

2. Dreamboarding

Where journals work with words, dreamboards work with images. The simple act of choosing images out of magazines, cutting them out and gluing them onto Bristol board or into a journal can be transformative. Right before your eyes you’ll start to see what you love. And the power of this practice grows when you do it regularly. Over time you start to see trends, shifts and developments in the colours you choose, the moods that show up, the places, the objects, the symbols, the people. Your dreamboards reflect you – your taste, your aspirations, your preoccupations – back to you.

And just like the intimacy questions grew ever more personal, you may find the messages from your images get deeper and deeper. In the beginning you nay find yourself choosing images that are steeped in the familiar: “Oh, yes, I love white kitchens. I’ve always wanted a manual typewriter. Ah…. Paris… when will I get there?” Then gently, almost imperceptibly, you find yourself in new territory.  Your choices may even surprise you and when they do, you are learning something new about yourself: “Since when am I interested in calligraphy? What’s that horse doing there? What about this old woman in Peru? Why there? Why her?”

Dreamboards are a powerful way of using images to connect to your heart and to discover what it’s yearning for.

(And, by the way, if this sounds appealing to you, check out the Year of Dreams series. I offer monthly dreamboard workshops designed to take you on a fresh journey under each of the full moons of the year.)

3. Artist’s Dates

Words and images are both powerful tools of creative connection. This last tool I want to recommend is experiential.

Artist Dates are a core creative practice recommended by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way. They are solo adventures, well-filling outings that you go on by yourself. You may take yourself on a walk, to a coffee shop, a gallery, the library, the movies – anywhere that nourishes your creative heart.

Often people are resistant to going on these adventures by themselves by the gift in doing so is being able to be 100% in your own experience, to sense your own honest reaction to whatever it is you encounter, to be present to yourself and the moment. And if you allow yourself to experience something new, if you try a new teahouse, a new neighbourhood, a new class, a new food, a new adventure, it will also bring out something new in you. You will have the opportunity to experience yourself in a fresh and new way. And that is a part of what keeps intimacy alive.

Try one two or all of these practices to stay connected to your heart and your ever-evolving self.

We creative types tend to have an optimistic streak.

I’m not talking about an eternally sunny disposition (Even I don’t have that and I’m sunny by nature!) I’m also not talking about always looking on the bright side or never feeling hopeless, exhausted or like throwing in the towel.

What I mean is that we have something inside ourselves that responds creatively to whatever comes our way. We naturally engage. We want to make it better, to make it work, to figure it out.

That tendency serves us in all sorts of amazing ways. We can make the best of a situation. We can make the most out of what we have. We can find solutions. We can create beauty. We can turn a challenge into an opportunity – almost always.

And…

This creative optimism can sometimes get in our way.

We can stick it out too long. We can bang our heads against a brick wall (repeatedly). We can invest our energy, time, love, heart, money, smarts and creative fire into a ship that’s sinking. It’s not in our nature to give up! We come at it from another angle. We try a fresh approach. We journal it out, chat it out, plan it out. We read how other people do it. We’re resourceful and determined and we figure that A-effort should yield A-results.

And when it doesn’t, we look for the problem within ourselves. There should be a solution, a way to work this out, and if we can’t find it, then the flaw must be our own. This gives our inner critic powerful proof that we’re incapable, that we’re not smart enough, strong enough, popular enough, blessed enough, what have you.

But sometimes a brick wall is just a brick wall.

Sometimes we’re trying to change something that doesn’t want to be changed – and that includes other people. This is when the creative impulse has turned into a tool of destruction and when we recognize this point of transition, we’ll know when to take our foot off the gas.

So, how do we tune into that awareness?

How do we know when we’re putting in the hard work of creating something magnificent and when are we spinning our wheels?

First, look at is the energetic difference.

Draw on your personal experience. What is an example of a time when you put in deep effort to bring something you truly wanted to life? When was a time when you were wholeheartedly fighting against the tide?

What felt different?

For me, the energetic difference feels like two kinds of tired. The first kind is when I’ve shown up to the day and put my heart into it, along with lots of elbow grease. I feel like I’ve lived, like I’ve done something. On those days, I can let myself be tired and sink into bed with a sense of ease and have a good night’s sleep. The other kind of tired shows up when I’m straining, struggling and second-guessing. It’s the exhaustion of pacing a room not going for a run. If I’m mentally frazzled and physically frayed, there’s a good bet that I’ve moved from creative optimism to destructive insistence.

It’s the difference between being “spent” and being “beat.”

That relentless fire of determination can be destructive not only to ourselves but also to others. This happens when our desire to create turns into a drive to impose our will on someone else. Instead of respecting their sovereignty, we try to make them change and fit into our vision. Sometimes we do this for “their own good” and sometimes for our own.

But other people are not here to fill the roles in our scripts, just as we are not here to mould ourselves into someone else’s vision of mother, daughter, lover, friend, writer, singer, dancer, artist. And if you’ve ever tried to do that, you know how destructive it can be.

It’s creative when we’re expanding definitions, when we’re getting stronger, when we’re bringing something to life.

It’s destructive when we’re constrictive, when we’re using force, when we’re being hurt and/or hurtful, when we’re sucking the life out of something,

It’s not always easy to tell the difference but it is easy to explore the question. Start paying attention. When the work is hard, ask yourself, “Is this effort creative or destructive? What am I helping or harming here?”

And here’s something important to know – sometimes it will be destructive and you will choose to keep going.

Sometimes destruction is necessary in order to make room for creation. Sometimes relationships, preconceptions and old stories break under the strain – and, painful as that may be, that can be a good and helpful thing.

And sometimes you may choose, with full awareness and your whole heart, to fight against the tide. You may decide that it is a noble and beautiful use of your life. Great change has happened because people have stood up and given all their strength to move what appeared to be immovable mountains.

What I want for you is the ability to choose, the wisdom and discernment to pick up the right tool, to wave your wand of creation or destruction with awareness and intent.

What I don’t want for you is the tragic and unrelenting pain of believing you are creating while all around you the walls are tumbling down.

You have magic in you. Wield it well.